LET MY PEEPHOLE GO: A Review of Presidential Candidates, by Salamander Fantômas

The Occupy Wall Street movement is a despairing cry for radical change in America, the sort of change that we are reminded can only be effected through our sacrosanct two-party democracy. "Conservatism" is now the byword for “change,” and the Republican party of change is currently advertising hope weekly in an inter-party tv debate marathon. So now is a good time to review the field of presidential candidates, because before very long their names will be lost to the dust bunnies of time, and at that point no one will know who you’re talking about. Who are these people and what do they really stand for? It is time for some answers.

You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her now, but Michelle Bachman was born without arms. Her parents naturally believed this state permanent and raised her to use her legs and feet as compensatory instruments, much after the manner of Frances O'Connor in the movie "Freaks." But to her caregivers’ astonishment, the buds of nascent limbs appeared on Michelle’s torso in her third year and within months had developed into full-size and completely functional arms. Still, Michelle has barely the upper-body strength to break a soap bubble, and she still readily reverts to her earlier training (as when one sees her at the debates absent-mindedly picking her teeth with her toenails), but nevertheless the Bachman juggernaut is in overdrive. She’s taking care of business, and you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Can we all come together? Yes, but it takes a lot of people, which was a song on an album that didn't have Randy on it.

Rick Perry also has arm issues and many people assume the shingles which grace his appendages are the result of an exotic skin condition. In fact, close examination of those fleshy flaps shows them to be finely articulated with thin bones like bat wings. Even more surprising, if Rick’s wig is peeled back one will find it beneath a cluster of writhing bat heads straining to break free. It would seem that the world around Rick Perry is like the mass of rock around a cave, and these bats are wistfully clinging to the interior walls of Cavern Rick.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon but have no fear: he has only one wife because, face it, in the looks department he’s no Warren Jeffs.

Herman Cain has the ability to see what other men cannot. The internal wiring of a refrigerator, ghosts, festering ulcers, the point of being in these debates – all the little things that escape the regular man’s perception are like glow-in-the-dark flower decals stuck to the eyeballs of the candidate who put the pizza in pizzazz, the next President of these United Things: Citizen Herman.

And there are yet more candidates who could be named, given the inclination.

— Salamander Fantômas

Metropolitan

Around The City

Photos by Pierre Moustache

Even a well-oiled machine needs minor

adjustments here and there.

Police busy at work.

Environment, Culture, Religion

Picture Stories Around The World

Photos by Pierre Moustache

Picture of some woods in the distance.

Local community events take shape.

Economics is based on consumption,

or the acquisition of thoughts for

simple pleasures.

What's good for tourism?

A real man is not someone that protests the rich but one who, spotting another man's Mercedes Benz, stops to think "one day I might only be so lucky". Good luck with that, young man!

Foreigners are attracted to America because they know it is the world's number one destination for spending, consuming, and crazy casino-style gambling in the markets. To the protesters out there in the streets today who might find flaw with God All-Mighty's economic system: you are not a patriot; rather, you are the problem and not the solution.

MAYOR SAYS "PROTESTS BAD FOR TOURISM"

With all of the activity of late on the streets in NY and elsewhere, vendors are finding it difficult to pass off cheap souvenirs and t-shirts with banal advertising slogans on them to patrons. Police are looking to clean up the streets as quickly as possible in order to remedy the sticky situation. Law-makers, doing their diligent part, are working to put together legislation that will ban all signage without logo and legal trademarks clearly displayed on them to officers of the law.

One democratic law-maker sympathetic to the cause urged protestors to keep it simple in order to avoid confusion and trouble. For instance, he suggested displaying such friendly and uncontroversial signage as: "Get Met, It Pays" or "Have A Coke And A Smile!". It was unclear whether he was connected to either corporation.

Supposing the Occupy Wall Street movement fails to lose steam as authorities are desperately hoping, there are still those who stand ready to profit. Whether it be the likes of Juicy Couture, the irrelevant but ever-present MTV1-4, or indeed the banks themselves is unimportant; rest assured that capital will never cease its upward flow. Ultimately, the revolution will be televised, if confiscated.

BOMBS ARE FOR CHILDREN

Or so you might be lead to believe. [A picture of a woman named Sally working diligently at the bomb assembly plant, alongside her 3 children, Raytheon, Boeing, and G.E., putting in 16 hours each day. Bombs ensure peace, stability and the American Way of Life. It can be confusing in trying to determine who the real terrorists are sometimes, but a good indication usually is 1) the color of the skin of the individual in question 2) their occupation and how much money they make and, finally 3) the country of origin. If one is born in America one is most likely not a terrorist, however that is quickly changing (no thanks to any limp-wristed croissants on the other side of the Atlantic who be hating on freedom). Does your government support terrorism? Ours certainly doesn't! We set the standards for behavior around the world, spreading democracy ever since 1776. Just ask our friends, the Native Americans.]

NO: FACTORIES ARE FOR CHILDREN, BOMBS ARE FOR ADULTS

Bombs are not toys. Factories with bombs for adults are not playgrounds for kids. The roofs of factories for adults should be designed so that light travels inward but adults can not readily travel outward (this is common sense), while children remain separately confined. We try to emphasize that hopes and dreams have no place in the work-place, regardless of age, other than to aid in the commoditization of desire, but this too is common sense.

It may help to have the insides of non-bomb factories painted with zebras and giraffes, as long as attention is not too diverted from the work routine, however nature, being as it is-an undue nuisance at best - is to be avoided most of the time. Until we reach the final stage that toaster ovens can replicate themselves, we will be stuck carving out the world one young hand at a time. As we are quickly learning through science, opinion is just a minor inconvenience. And as one of my favorite sayings goes, if the mice are willing to play in the maze: let them eat cheese.

For now, let's keep children where they belong: inside factories, away from bombs and not blowing up buildings, which is always counter-intuitive to economic growth.

Mind Puzzles

WHAT weighs more, a pig or
a BANKER and his MONEY?
EASY! A banker and his money!
Solution: end all money!

Sheila's tips on beauty and lifestyle

It's a tough game out there and no one gets a second chance, so we should always look our best. Remember to be attractive and smell pleasant. Reconcile differences with parents, help find lost pets whenever possible and wave to your neighbors often. Do whatever feels best, but please, whatever you do, don't think for yourself! The last thing we need in a complacent, unquestioning society bent on SELF-DESTRUCTION are individuals with unoccupied minds diddling about aimlessly asking questions. If you are currently unemployed, you should probably be begging to be accepted to one of the many fine occupation mills called schools that are available in order to better suit yourself for service to your masters and help prop up the failing casino economy with more debt before it ultimately belly-flops into oblivion. Time is running out, so get your front row tickets today.

I'll be sure to have more beauty and lifestyle tips in the future. Thanks for reading! - Sheila

DO NOT READ

ATTENTION: DO NOT READ THIS
Too late, you are now being surveiled!
Follow these instructions: carefully back
away; pretend to be tying your shoe;

next, bolt through the nearest available

doorway. You are now part of the revolution

whether you like it or not!

Guess what? We are gaining great company

by the minute! Deloris the nanny just joined

yesterday and so did Trent the reasonable

accountant! Hey, life is still grand!

Finance

BREAKING NEWS:

This just in: everyone is full of crap. Yeah, and so what? Human nature is centered around the basic premise that GREED IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, BABY! Hallelujah! Tune out, go see another Hollywood film, and shut your mouth.

Now moving on along...

Financial Sense - It starts in the Work Place

Financial sense should dictate all action at home and in the work-place. And in every miscreant there is a good manager in training. Thankfully, we put all our trust in false idols and the cult of personality to foster cultural education and training. If one is gregarious, there are any number of groups designed to facilitate the furtherance of oppression and guilt outside of the church (separation of church and state). Go look them up! The economy is not in trouble, like many well-intending individuals would have you believe, in fact it is quite the opposite: there are many decently paid women today with staplers as heads that can not get enough clerical work. There are the elderly who are unemployed, so they offer themselves up as door-stoppers in busy office spaces, and likely are paid very well I might add. All work is meant to bore you into complacency and then, ultimately, death--a basic truth that shall not be taken for granted. But it is those who rise above that of the common employee, who, reaching the apogee of their perceived orbits, stop to ask the question: but how can I rise even higher? And the answer is always to either hire another manager or create a new rule for the work-place. When it comes to working with stubborn employees, it can be a little trying on the patience. Just how does one pull lemons from a bull, you might ask? (Answer: directly through its ass). Termination is usually a step of last resort, but if a life must be ended--so be it--think of it as creating more job opportunities for the unemployed and lazy classes.

And that is your financial sense for today.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

A hemmorhoid ad

"At least now I'm hemmorhoid free, unlike my fat boss who craps flames while barking orders", says customer Samantha W., while bending over to clean up the puke left over from another corporate party, complete with whores, cocaine and all night sex, who just received her walking papers after enduring a sexual assault from her superiors and a special reaming in the way of a demotion to janitorial services from senior investing consultant after a liquidation of another children's school failed to bring in sufficient profits.

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Shout outs and big ups

And now a quick special mention. Let's give a big round of applause to existence just for being! Without it we never would have had breath mints, custom tailored suits, bridge parties, or berets for pugs. And how about shawls? I'm not sure about you, but I love eating buttered popcorn while watching Magnum P.I. reruns and listening to the sound of the telephone ringing incessantly in the background while the drapes are on fire.

Entertainment news

The economy is going down Hollywood-style. Everyone is hurting from unemployment, high mortgages and a steadily decreasing quality of life. So what to do?

To help remedy the situation everyone ought to:

A) enroll in an online cooking class as therapy B) buy the Everyone Loves Raymond DVD box set for your spouse C) boil your Michael Bolton cassette tapes for dinner or D) get in your SUV and drive randomly into the sunset.

Answer: All of the above!

Classifieds

Be All You Can Be

Things are heating up in Afghanistan, Iraq and elsewhere in the Middle East. If you want to get into the best shape of your life, join the military today! Limited money back guarantee. Must be willing to travel. Send SASE plus $2.99 shipping and handling for your starter package. On the job training for the right individual. INQUIRE WITHIN. WE ALSO OFFER A NO MAN LEFT BEHIND POLICY WHEREVER POSSIBLE.

Vacation News

LETS HIT THE BEACH

Every day, all over the world, from the South Pacific to Indonesia, they are building more luxury hotels with bath houses to put up fat rich white men that like to push around non-english speaking maids with their index fingers and throw peasant workers into cooking vats when their cream brulees are not up to snuff. In order to fund this ever-growing project, in what is already being dubbed Guantanamo Bay 2.0: Let's go to Hawaii or Somewhere Else Exotic, individuals of all different stripes, including home-grown terrorists, house-wives, hard-working dads and little would-be criminals ages 2 and up, are being rounded up and shipped over-seas for quality employment and luxury hotel expansion.

The government, too broke to pay for anything anymore, has decided it's had enough with its empty notions of freedom once and for all. From now on labor is a right and YOU can be taken away at any given time! So grab your sun tan lotion and earn an advance spot today. Thanks to climate change the beaches are really starting to heat up!

COPS GET IT ON

It is only to be expected that when the masses revolt through lack of reason, punishment shall be endured. That was the case when 1,000 grandmothers were arrested while crossing intersections in random places on suspicion of causing mischief and potential riot. Meanwhile, thank God the rich class--banker and CEO--are safe and their "entitlement" programs and "hand-outs" in tact. No one likes a sore loser, so get over yourselves people.

And now a message from our sponsors (who could not afford a full-length video commercial at this time because of the ever-sinking economy).

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A woman lounges on a chair by the pool.

"Golden skin, white teeth. Who needs common sense?" "I get my daily chemical allowance at least three times a day."

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End.