Financial News, Politics, and other Skullduggery

Financial News, Politics, And Other Skulduggery

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

LET MY PEEPHOLE GO: A Review of Presidential Candidates, by Salamander Fantômas

The Occupy Wall Street movement is a despairing cry for radical change in America, the sort of change that we are reminded can only be effected through our sacrosanct two-party democracy. "Conservatism" is now the byword for “change,” and the Republican party of change is currently advertising hope weekly in an inter-party tv debate marathon. So now is a good time to review the field of presidential candidates, because before very long their names will be lost to the dust bunnies of time, and at that point no one will know who you’re talking about. Who are these people and what do they really stand for? It is time for some answers.

You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her now, but Michelle Bachman was born without arms. Her parents naturally believed this state permanent and raised her to use her legs and feet as compensatory instruments, much after the manner of Frances O'Connor in the movie "Freaks." But to her caregivers’ astonishment, the buds of nascent limbs appeared on Michelle’s torso in her third year and within months had developed into full-size and completely functional arms. Still, Michelle has barely the upper-body strength to break a soap bubble, and she still readily reverts to her earlier training (as when one sees her at the debates absent-mindedly picking her teeth with her toenails), but nevertheless the Bachman juggernaut is in overdrive. She’s taking care of business, and you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. Can we all come together? Yes, but it takes a lot of people, which was a song on an album that didn't have Randy on it.

Rick Perry also has arm issues and many people assume the shingles which grace his appendages are the result of an exotic skin condition. In fact, close examination of those fleshy flaps shows them to be finely articulated with thin bones like bat wings. Even more surprising, if Rick’s wig is peeled back one will find it beneath a cluster of writhing bat heads straining to break free. It would seem that the world around Rick Perry is like the mass of rock around a cave, and these bats are wistfully clinging to the interior walls of Cavern Rick.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon but have no fear: he has only one wife because, face it, in the looks department he’s no Warren Jeffs.

Herman Cain has the ability to see what other men cannot. The internal wiring of a refrigerator, ghosts, festering ulcers, the point of being in these debates – all the little things that escape the regular man’s perception are like glow-in-the-dark flower decals stuck to the eyeballs of the candidate who put the pizza in pizzazz, the next President of these United Things: Citizen Herman.

And there are yet more candidates who could be named, given the inclination.

— Salamander Fantômas

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